Welcome to my subconscious, wherein I will show you a preview of my continuous thoughts. First, I’ve been thinking about my twenty-peso bill. It’s the only bill on my purse, and for everyone’s information, you can buy a cone of Cornetto ice cream on twenty-peso bill. But that’s not the point. I noticed that there’s a group of people at the side Manuel Quezon’s portrait on the bill, and I don’t know the story about it. Sorry of I don’t make any sense here. Then I remembered that I’ve dreamed about twenty-peso bill in the weird way. Manuel Quezon’s face is different, there. I don’t know what the significance of that matter is. Hmmmmm.
Next thing is being in a commitment. Actually, I’ve been contemplating on this matter for a short while. I’ve never been in such matter, though I went out with few guys. Although media is making friend-with-benefits-no-string-attached a mainstream lifestyle, I make sure that it’s not affecting the way I make decision. Like it’s oh so freaking bum to do such thing. Sometimes things didn’t just work out between me a dude, or on the other hand, some guys are being such a combination of asshole-jerk-douchbag, which makes the scenario a lot complicated (plus me being Miss Complicated). Like if I ever been in a relationship, I want it to be for real. I’m not collecting hang-ups here. And I know that a hand fits between the spaces on my fingers. Call it whatever you want, fate, soul mate, destiny, serendipity, yeah whatever, if I want it to be a real deal with a guy, I will walk seven kilometer to his house, rain or shine, or make some silly DIY for him. But those are just little things. Plus, and above all reasons here, and to make things clear, I’m not being some self-righteous person here, but if I’m gonna be in a relationship, I want that relationship to glorify God. Sounds really “Oh-Miss-Pefecto!”, but for me, three strands that unites a rope is better that two. And the best third-party in a relationship is God.
Then, I’ve been listening to kids rehearsing some “Make-Love-Not-War” song for a week. It’s really cute to hear those kids’ voices in sync. I remember when I used to sing the same song when I was on the same age. I had this kind of thinking that what if the terrorists hear that song, will it make them stop all their shenanigans? Will hearing and seeing kids singing that song make their hearts melt, or what? I’m just thinking those possibilities. And as I aged, I realized that war is something history can’t escape. There was war then and there is war now. That it’s not just about song talking about peace and killing and bombing, and terrorizing, it’s a battle more than guns and tanks. That war is a battle of belief. A battle of principles. And as long as people are subjective, war is present. All is fair in love and war. Battles between Marxism and Capitalism, Religions, Races, Sovereignties, Families, and some between personal interest and interest of majority, and somehow, someway, those things are can’t be saved by a song. But yeah, it’s not the end of the world yet. And who am I to conclude? Barely an observation and realization, not a judgment.
Last among many thoughts and power of over-thinking and clouded mind is fear. Okay, to make things a little catchier, let’s put Scarecrow from The Batman in the picture. Sometimes, fear is created by someone around us to make himself a lot powerful than us. Corrupting our minds with things that cripples us by achieving or simply, doing something. Until we see ourselves living behind bars of the asylum created by our fears. But most often, those fears are created by our own powerful minds. It is us who make such thoughts that disabled us for reaching something. We are signing up on the asylum unconsciously, without realizing that our fear is not exactly towards something, but what might happen because of that thing. You are not afraid of heights but you are afraid to fall. You’re not afraid to the swim but you’re afraid to drown, you are not afraid to love but you are afraid to get hurt. And most often, those things we fear never really happens. Those fears exists only inside our heads (Now, you realized how powerful human mind is?). Fear is a decoy created by our minds. I’m not saying that I don’t have fears. As a matter of fact I have tons. From shallow things to profound ones. Fears that I created most of and some are developed by life experiences. I’m scared. But little by little, I’m trying my best to conquer it. I’m trying to pull the trigger, not on my head, but to those things. Brandon Flowers’s song said “Our dreams will break the boundaries of our fears”. It takes a stimulant, a motivación, a power, a gut to finally fire that gun and kill it. And conquer it. And as of now, I’m still learning the art of it. I’m scared, which is good, it only means I’m intellectual. Only mindless can’t feel fear. Said the teacher in Magic Temple film.